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81 Hours Monday, April 28, 2008

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I’m used to not sleeping, really I am.

I have been awake for 81 hours (and 17 minutes, but who’s counting?)

A lot of people don’t believe you if and when you tell them that you don’t sleep. They think you choose to stay up, that you just don’t sleep a lot, but really, when I say that I’m not sleeping, I mean I really don’t get anything that really resembles quality sleep.

Sometimes it’s better than others, ha most of the time is better than right now, my body starts making decisions that I don’t get a choice in. No Grace, you’re getting some sleep right now, I know you’re scared and that it’s not going to last long at all, but I’m going to get mutinous if you don’t.

And I can’t stop myself from falling asleep, even though it’s gotten to such a scary point for me. Fearless told me that it’s beautiful when I actually do sleep.  That I curl up, snuggle in, against him in a way that makes him wonder how I can have that much of myself in contact with him.

Some time passes. 15 minutes, 5, almost immediately. And that’s when it all goes to hell.

It helps when he’s there, he talks me down, holds on to me and makes sure I know everything will be fine.

But now, no, my body is not making these decisions. There is no Sleep, Now signal. Or maybe it’s trying to, but I’ve actually sunk deeper into this sleep issue, and have scared it out of those instincts too.

He left me a bunny hug, one he had spent almost two days in. It was supposed to help. It’s big and warm and smells like him. When he gave it to me, he laughed and said Three things you enjoy about me.

It doesn’t smell like him anymore, it just smells like my bed. And though it’s big and warm, it’s not big and warm like him. You can’t curl up around a bunny hug. I’m pretty sure the point was more so having something comforting from him there when hell broke loose, but I haven’t had the chance yet to see how effective it is.

I just want this to stop.

Song of the Day: Asleep – The Smiths


Blue Suede Shoes: On Panty Decisions Wednesday, March 26, 2008

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From what I’ve been told, the Carl Perkins’ classic Blue Suede Shoes (though you’ve probably heard it by Elvis, the Beatles, or Johnny Cash) was inspired by something Perkins heard a soldier say at a dance. Said soldier told his date not to step on his blue suede shoes, even though he was wearing standard issue boots, because they were visibly still nice and new.

Why would he say that? Not being a mind reader, I couldn’t tell you said soldier’s specific reasoning. Imagining though, one wouldn’t want their feet being trod upon. Perhaps he wanted these new, clean boots to stay that way while they could. That scuffs and wear just wouldn’t have the same effect. One will never know.

Still, this gets me to my topic. It’s one of my favorites: Panties!

Ladies, what is up with the sad, old panties trend? I know I am a little bit more of a panties aficionado than most, but the majority of people I have had panties chats with lately are confusing me. Bra chats too for that matter.

Statements I hear: Well, now that I’m in a steady relationship right now, I don’t really need them to be pretty. Or conversely, I’m single. I don’t need to wear things like that at the mo’. Perhaps the most disturbing, Well, they used to fit…

Whoa. Hold the line please.

Used to fit? These undergarments are referred to as the foundation of an outfit because they are just that, the foundation! You’ve got the right stuff on underneath, and the top layer will look right. Certain areas you may want sleeked over will be. Those of out there who may need a little bit of a lift or reshape up top can achieve it. If your foundation is wrong, you’re going to end up with lines showing where they aren’t supposed to, possible over emphasis of bits you’d rather not be drawing attention to, and specific to brassieres: possible back pain, headaches, shoulder pain, or poor circulation.

If it used to fit, that suggests that it doesn’t anymore. If it doesn’t fit, why are you still wearing it?

I’m single, I don’t need to wear things like that anymore: If you prescribe to the followers of ‘who cares if it looks nice if there aren’t boys looking at me in it,’ I guess you can skip over this bit. Not to repeat the above, all I can say is yes your cotton briefs with the days of the week on them may be cute, but your choices shouldn’t be all about what other people want you in. They should be more in tune with what makes you feel like the beautiful person you are, and what works with your body. You may not see them by the time you are dressed, but it’s the same concept as getting into outerwear that you love. When you feel like you’re the most gorgeous person in the room, you hold yourself differently, feel more confident, and it makes a noticeable difference. All I’m trying to say is that if you feel good, you’re going to look good. A person who truly feels they look beautiful have a certain twinkle in their smile. If pink Wednesdays do it for you, great! If you’re holding back because you don’t have an observer to confirm the other one’s are nice, let yourself be enough. The difference made may just find you that aforementioned observer.

I’m in a steady relationship right now, I don’t really need them to be pretty. If you say so, you do have a right to hold that opinion. And is true, a man should love you for you, not just your lingerie. I’m sure he does. Once again, the above applies, but I speak for all of the silent men out there: Wear them! They are very visual creatures, and it’s wrapping paper. You may have him, but there’s nothing wrong with treating him as well as yourself.

I’m not saying to ditch the grannies, if they do it for you that is good. Just give pretty a try, something old, ill fitting and ratty won’t do the job the same. Blue suede shoes just wouldn’t do with scuffs.

Song of the Day: Blue Suede Shoes – Carl Perkins

I Was Born: It’s My Birthday! Sunday, March 23, 2008

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Today is Easter.

It is also my birthday.

Yesterday was a long day of partying, and this morning was easter breakfast with my large extended family.

When I woke up, about an hour after getting home, there was still enough alcohol in my system that my disposition was still Woohoo! Birthday! Easter! And at my grandparent’s house, things slowly rolled more and more downhill…

Famous people I share a birthday with: Keri Russell and Joan Crawford. (find who you share a birthday with here)

Being born on March 23 makes me an Aries on the cusp of Pisces, also known as the Cusp of Rebirth. People born in this period possess the dreaminess, active fantasy, quietude and sensitivity inherent in Pisces with the uncomplicated and fiery forwardness inherent in Aries. They are likely to possess strong mental powers coupled with the gift of comprehension. These cusp characters play as hard as they work, perform their best under pressure, do not deal well with failure, and pursue goals unremittingly, refusing to be denied. They are exceedingly artistic souls who have an inherent power of intuition, and have the ability to skillfully reach out to others. Stubborn, they are likely to want what they want when they want it. Also, their definition of family will often include friends and associates. (Paraphrased from here)
Personality traits people born today are reported to have:

Personality Strengths: Drive, Style

Personality Weakness: Impatience

Successful Career Path: Entrepreneurship

Sense of Humor: Quick Witted

Descriptive Adjectives: Strong, Adventurous

Enterprising and creative – you see things that most people fail to even dream about. You see the world from a unique perspective and that gives you a natural advantage in most regards. Talented to the point of being almost prodigal, one can only hope that you utilize your talent and make something great of your life.(You can find out yours on the My Birthday application on facebook)

Song of the Day: I Was Born – Wilco

Eight Days a Week Wednesday, March 5, 2008

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‘Tis the eight meme. I’ve seen it about, and thought I would give it a try.

Eight passions in my life:
People: there is so much you can learn about the world and yourself from people. So much you can experience and grow from. Some people do well, looking inwards to themselves. I am a people person, I need people.
Making tasty food for people to eat: I love food, and have been raised in a family where food is love. Ever heard the saying food is the way to a person’s heart? It works.
My friends and family: If I’m passionate about people, wouldn’t it go to logic that I’m passionate about the people I love? No further explanation needed.
Being active: because your body is the greatest tool you’ll ever have.
Love: showing it to others, and fostering the relationships that direct it at me.
Learning: the more I do it, the more I realize how much there is out there to know and how little I really do know which makes me want to learn more.
Painting: It’s one of those things I just get lost in doing. Hours of a brush, acrylic or oil, and a canvas can take you almost anywhere.
Experiencing the world: There are so many beautiful and new things out there to do.

Eight things to do before I die:
Marry a man I’m madly in love with.
Continue to be that madly in love until death parts us
Have children: I think four is a good number for me
Write a book and get it published
Make or garner a scientific discovery
Open a restaurant
Spend time by the ocean: I’m thinking Atlantic, but any one would work
Show the people most important to me how much I love them on a daily basis

8 Things I often say:
What do you think about…?
giggle: Not actually saying it, but doing it. I laugh a lot and am prone to getting the giggles. Does that count as something you say?
You always have a choice.
Wait…. What?
But why?: It seems I ask a lot of questions. Inquisitive? Yeah, a little.
… makes me melt: That’s right, it’s my phrase. Things I like make me melt. I’m pretty sure I’ve used it on here before. I’m not sure where I got it from or where it came from if it is original.
Hello: After some thought, I say this very often. Most people do.
Come cuddle: I’m one of those people. I cuddle.
What are you hungry for?: I cook for others, often. I like to involve them in the process at least that much. They can choose but I shall make.

8 Books I read (or reread) recently that I enjoyed:
The Four Fires – Bryce Courtenay
The Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
Venus as a Boy – Luke Sutherland
Brother Fish – Bryce Courtenay
The Fabric of the Cosmos – Brian Greene
Feersum Endjinn – Ian M. Banks
Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures – Vincent Lam
Textbooks, which I am lumping into one category

Eight songs I listen to over and over:
River Man – Nick Drake
Vienna – Midge Ure & Eddie Izzard at Live 8
No More Named Johnny – Hawksley Workman
We’re in this Together – Nine Inch Nails
If I had a Hammer – Gord Downie & the Country of Miracles
One by One – Billy Bragg & Wilco
When the Stars Go Blue – Ryan Adams
The Drugs Don’t Work – Ben Harper
so very difficult to whittle down to eight, there are many

Eight things that attract me to my best friends:
Knowing they will stick through with you, high tide or low
Being able to laugh at every day things
Their being open minded but opinionated
A certain measure of vim and vinegar
Their talent for mischief
Their enormous propensity to be generous and kind
Their honesty
Their deep understanding that friends can be, and are, family.

Song of the Day: Eight Days a Week – The Beatles


Exactly Like You Monday, February 25, 2008

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Its strange how sometimes those personality tests that get forwarded around will strike a chord. The majority of the time I’ll be looking at the screen laughing at the silliness of it all. Twice in the last couple of days, though, I found myself thinking, “Wow, that’s really true!”

Here’s how I scored:

On the Jung Typology Test I’m an ENFJ, the Giver. There are some points I particularly agree with (complete description here):

·You deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

· ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others.

· It’s natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people’s needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don’t sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.

· ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hard at maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity.

· Their uncanny ability to understand people and say just what needs to be said to make them happy makes them naturals for counseling.

· ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They’re very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship.

· As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others.

And on the Personal DNA Test, I’m a Benevolent creator. I had more of those, so true moments:

· Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a creator.

· You eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.

· Your caring nature goes beyond basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people’s situations before passing any sort of judgement.

· You’re a good listener, and even better at offering advice.

· You’re concerned with others at both an individual and societal level – you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you’ve never met.

· Other people’s feelings are important to you, and you’re god at mediating disputes.

· Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

Song of the Day: Exactly Like You – Denzal Sinclaire

We’re in This Together Sunday, February 17, 2008

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“Colleen‘s crying, Nancy’s wailing and Sarah’s sobbing. You’ve never seen so much misery in the one room at the same time. Mike looks at Bozo and me and goes over and puts his arm around Sarah and nods, indicating we must do the same to Nancy and Colleen.”

– Four Fires, Bryce Courtenay.

That’s the result from my try at the Page 123 meme. The rules? Open the nearest book to page 123, find the fifth sentence, and post the next three sentences.

Oddly enough, this quote had a lot to do with something I’ve been trying to find the words for. Other people just seem to be saying it best.

We are in this together. Sometimes we can stand on our own, and sometimes we need someone’s arms around us for the extra support. In the nautical world, they may say that it is every man for himself, but still, if one of the crew falls overboard, they work to get you back from the sea.

Song of the Day: We’re in This Together – Nine Inch Nails 

Splish Splash Thursday, February 7, 2008

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After a long day which included: a midterm, two labs, the gym, regularly scheduled classes, and a stop to the hospital to see Placid and Lily (she’s doing a lot better now, at least physically) I am feeling rather exhausted, and thanks to the gym, sore.

Nothing right now seems nicer than to pick a book from off the shelf that has nothing to do with organic chemistry, make a cup of tea, get out my luscious smelling satsuma bubble bath, and take a couple of minutes to relax.

Any normal day, I am a shower person, but it just seems so alluring tonight to have a good soak.

I think I’ll start rereading Brother Fish by the always wonderful Bryce Courtenay.

Song of the Day: Splish Splash – Bobby Darrin

Sounds Familiar: One Hundred Things About Me Sunday, January 20, 2008

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I’ve read these lists on many other blogs, and I’ve always found them kind of interesting.

A hundred is a number that sometimes seems really large, but really isn’t. Maybe it has something to do with being little and spending so much time thinking it was this enormous, special, a feat to count to number. Now it doesn’t seem to be such a big number at all, but still at moments like this, that childlike awe hits, and I think, “Wow, a hundred is a big number. A hundred things about me is a lot…”

  1. 1. I write with my right hand, and am therefore considered right handed. I dribble a basketball with my left hand, play pool ‘lefty,’ and tend left in hockey as well. I don’t know why.
  2. My favorite author is Bryce Courtenay. I have read everything he’s had published that’s available here.
  3. Coffee makes me physically ill. Even the smell of it, if it’s really strong, can make me feel icky. My mom claims she couldn’t drink coffee the whole time she was pregnant with me, because it made her sick, and she loves coffee.
  4. My blood type is AB negative.
  5. I loved climbing trees when I was a kid, and am still known to do it when the muse descends.
  6. After hearing a song once, I tend to know the lyrics.
  7. I am mostly an auditory learner. Being a university student taught primarily by lecturing, it is something I appreciate.
  8. Tulips are my favorite flower. My grandma used to grow them along the side of her house, and I remember picking them when I was little.
  9. Maybe you can tell, I’m a bit of a romantic. I don’t think that romanticism is hopeless.
  10. Don’t agree? Let’s discuss. There’s nothing like good conversation.
  11. I think I would be able to eat just about anything if there was enough gravy on it.
  12. When anyone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up when I was little(r), I would say, “An astronaut and a ballerina.” I’ve always been like that, artistic and scientific.
  13. I value friendships highly and will go out of my way to be there for the people I care about.
  14. I spent time in El Salvador building houses. That’s correct, I have dug a foundation with a shovel, and mixed a lot of cement with shovels as well.
  15. My dad was Irish, my mom is Ukrainian.
  16. I have a younger brother. Ever since I can remember, he has been my height or taller than me. I am almost three years older than him.
  17. The only nickname that I have ever had stick for any reasonable amount of time is Angel, and am called it by only a certain person. I’ve just always been called by my name.
  18. It is very tranquil to be awake in the morning before anyone else in the house. I tend to be awake before anyone else often.
  19. I have a rather high pitched voice. I’ve had many calls returned with people saying, “A child called from this number and left a message-”
  20. People tend to come to me for advice. It’s always been that way, even with people I scarcely know. I’m a good listener I guess.
  21. Like many who tend to help others, I am not very good at helping myself.
  22. I love swimming, and I have ever since I was little. I can spend hours and hours in the water.
  23. Ignorance really bothers me. I mean, I can understand that a person cannot know everything, but actively choosing not to know I cannot.
  24. I find driving very relaxing.
  25. I like lace panties. I probably own more than I should. The boys have jokingly called it an unholy obsession.
  26. I can barely remember my father, yet he is a part of some of my earliest memories.
  27. As a result of multiple knee injuries, I have spent a good deal of time in crutches. By the last time I was in them, they really didn’t limit me much.
  28. I have never been good at sleeping. It’s a weird thing to not be good at.
  29. A lot of women don’t want to be like their mothers. I would be so happy if I turned out to be such an amazing woman as mine is.
  30. I scare really easily. During movies, at haunted houses, all of those things.
  31. I have the most amazing friends. I may complain sometimes about being overprotected, but I have no idea what I would do without them.
  32. I love black and white photography. Oh wait, you couldn’t tell that already? Ha ha.
  33. I am known for getting the giggles and not being able to stop laughing.
  34. My family only moved once during my childhood, right before I started kindergarten. I still went to the same school I was originally registered to be in.
  35. I’m not mentioning things I’ve never done in this list, because I still might do them.
  36. I was definitely the kid scared of monsters in my closet. They don’t hide under the bed, they hide in your closet.
  37. When I was little and there were thunderstorms, I would get into my swimsuit and dance in the rain on the driveway. There are pictures.
  38. I like motorcycles because they go fast, and at the same time, I feel so safe behind the person who is driving.
  39. I can change the oil in my car, fix a flat tire, and dig myself out of a snow filled ditch.
  40. Thyme is my favorite savory seasoning. I grew some from seed two summers ago, and whittled down to one plant to allow it to regrow after winter (it’s a perennial you know), that one plant grew into a big thyme bush last summer.
  41. My sixth grade teacher, Mrs. B, inspired me to start writing. The class had notebooks we had to write in, whatever we wanted, every school day during English. She told me that I had a good voice, and the rest is history.
  42. Many people say they like all kinds of music, but quickly dwindle it down to particular kinds. Literally, I like all kinds of music. Not to say that I like all music, its just that I like songs on a song-to-song basis covering all genres I’ve encountered. I’m not one to decide not to like something because of a specific label it has.
  43. I have a food crush on Anthony Bourdain. I would love to meet him one day, or eat his food. But for now I’ll settle for his books.
  44. I tend to leave for appointments and rendezvous a couple of minutes early, because you never know what might happen on the way and I feel bad if I’m late.
  45. All of the titles to my posts are names of songs because I have always had issues with titling things. Sometimes if the muse descends, I do add my own extra part to them though.
  46. My all time favorite movies are Gladiator, the Family Stone, and Pete’s Dragon.
  47. “Those who don’t look for magic will never find it.” I read that in Roald Dahl when I was small. It’s stuck with me in profound ways since.
  48. With the little sleep I get, when I have the chance to dream I tend to remember vividly.
  49. I learned from my grandparents all too well that ‘Food is love.’ I think that is why I am such an avid cook.
  50. I am very flexible.
  51. I generally try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
  52. My first love was Big Bird from Sesame Street.
  53. I have never had a cavity, and therefore a filling either, in my life. The thought of it kind of scares me now.
  54. I sleep with two blankets year round. It makes a lot of sense in winter, but not so much in the summer. I just need both of them to sleep.
  55. I am very protective of the people I love.
  56. Incredibly ticklish. Incredibly.
  57. I am too competitive for my own good.
  58. I like blue ink more than black ink, but have a huge preference for writing in pencil.
  59. I love days that are cool and breezy. That just below warm temperature where the breeze makes your skin prickle, but you don’t get cold if you stay outside.
  60. I try to do little everyday things for people I don’t know, like holding doors open or offering to help them carry something when their arms are full, because sometimes little things can mean a lot.
  61. I believe in equality. And not in the sense the world seems to have skewed it. Equality doesn’t work if some people get to be more equal than others.
  62. I am known for giving good massages. I’ve had people in large amounts of pain fall asleep by the time I was finished.
  63. My hair has a mind of its own.
  64. I have a very good memory. Specific things that were said in certain conversations years ago? Yeah, still got them.
  65. The more I learn the more I come to see how little I know.
  66. If there isn’t music playing, I bet you there is a song in my head.
  67. I love meeting new people.
  68. Its rare for me to go somewhere and not come across someone I know.
  69. Age seems to be such a flux. Sometimes you feel so old you know it in your bones, and sometimes it still surprises me to be considered adult at this precarious number.
  70. I like to paint. Mostly acrylic because oils is such a slow process, though I love the way oils look finished.
  71. I find most television very disappointing.
  72. I’m that girl who is friends with all the boys, and people just don’t seem to understand that.
  73. I have a thing with dip and food. Salsa, ranch, gravy, ketchup, food is just better if you get to dip it.
  74. A friend taught me how to make soap. So now I can, which is nice, because I have sensitive skin and its nice to be able to have perfumed soap that doesn’t turn you red and itchy.
  75. I study with other students in my classes to help them with exams. My teaching them helps me learn material way better than studying conventionally.
  76. When I sneeze it’s always really little, and people make comments about it being cute. That used to bother me, but it really doesn’t anymore.
  77. My Grandma taught me to do crosswords when I was little, my Baba taught me to knit. I still do both.
  78. I read almost compulsively.
  79. I am a terrible liar. I learned very quickly to just fess up because no one was going to believe the lie anyway.
  80. Being on stage, for whatever reason, voice or instrument, gives me a huge rush that I can’t come down from for a couple of hours.
  81. Driving an hour to spend time with a friend doesn’t bother me.
  82. I really love a bargain.
  83. I don’t follow many superstitions, but I do follow knock on wood and throwing spilt salt over your left shoulder. I don’t know why these two in particular.
  84. I still make wishes when I blow out the candles.
  85. And sometimes after it rains I still can’t help but jump into a puddle or two.
  86. I love spicy food.
  87. It is surprising what you can see in clouds if you lie down on the grass and look.
  88. I like tattoos on other people, but can’t imagine ever getting one myself.
  89. I am rubbish at reading maps, hence I often find myself lost.
  90. I usually read many books simultaneously. It was weird when I was younger, but its useful now with University.
  91. I like men who are masculine in the traditional sense. Someone strong who can protect you.
  92. The more clutter surrounds me, the more disjointed I get.
  93. I tend to have really high expectations.
  94. Nothing sucks the joy out of art for me like dissecting it. Nothing intrigues in science like taking a problem and dissecting it.
  95. I was scared of the dark for in inordinately long time.
  96. I have really small, albeit neat, handwriting. I just can’t get it to look right big.
  97. Either I have sensitive ears or really good hearing, but my headphones are always turned really low because otherwise it’s just too loud. But loud music is a good thing sometimes, just not being shot directly into your ears.
  98. I tend to be very inquisitive.
  99. I really don’t mind folding laundry, its so warm and soft and comforting.
  100. I sometimes think that a hundred is a really big number.

Song of the Day: Sounds Familiar – The Weakerthans

Ladylike Monday, January 14, 2008

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Note to self: I really need to stop walking around in naught but panties.

People come to doors all of the time, I realize that. And I even was expecting someone to be arriving. I was running behind on getting ready. I’d had clothes picked out for the social, and got part way through makeup, when I realized that they were not suitable and I had to start over again. We’ll cross out the previous statement about naught but panties, I had some mascara on too.

I was just so disjointed; I wanted to wear something nice for Fearless and formal enough for the occasion, but I wanted it to be comfortable, I was nervous about how the social would go, trying to convince myself that I would have enough time to catch up on reading for class, and pulling the last tray of Rolo cookies out of the oven that I lost track of time. And then, while I thought I had tons of time to get ready, the doorbell rings.

And being disjointed and distracted, I just answered the door.

Let’s just say that Fearless was all smiles… and made the wise suggestion that if the bra and the panties already matched each other, and already picked up colors in his suit, why not go with that color scheme?

The blue cocktail dress went swimmingly.

It was a fun night, good food, lots of dancing.

P.S. – Happy Malanka!

Song of the Day: Ladylike – Big Wreck