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81 Hours Monday, April 28, 2008

Posted by Grace in eating crackers in bed, graceisms.
Tags: , , , ,

I’m used to not sleeping, really I am.

I have been awake for 81 hours (and 17 minutes, but who’s counting?)

A lot of people don’t believe you if and when you tell them that you don’t sleep. They think you choose to stay up, that you just don’t sleep a lot, but really, when I say that I’m not sleeping, I mean I really don’t get anything that really resembles quality sleep.

Sometimes it’s better than others, ha most of the time is better than right now, my body starts making decisions that I don’t get a choice in. No Grace, you’re getting some sleep right now, I know you’re scared and that it’s not going to last long at all, but I’m going to get mutinous if you don’t.

And I can’t stop myself from falling asleep, even though it’s gotten to such a scary point for me. Fearless told me that it’s beautiful when I actually do sleep.  That I curl up, snuggle in, against him in a way that makes him wonder how I can have that much of myself in contact with him.

Some time passes. 15 minutes, 5, almost immediately. And that’s when it all goes to hell.

It helps when he’s there, he talks me down, holds on to me and makes sure I know everything will be fine.

But now, no, my body is not making these decisions. There is no Sleep, Now signal. Or maybe it’s trying to, but I’ve actually sunk deeper into this sleep issue, and have scared it out of those instincts too.

He left me a bunny hug, one he had spent almost two days in. It was supposed to help. It’s big and warm and smells like him. When he gave it to me, he laughed and said Three things you enjoy about me.

It doesn’t smell like him anymore, it just smells like my bed. And though it’s big and warm, it’s not big and warm like him. You can’t curl up around a bunny hug. I’m pretty sure the point was more so having something comforting from him there when hell broke loose, but I haven’t had the chance yet to see how effective it is.

I just want this to stop.

Song of the Day: Asleep – The Smiths



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