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81 Hours Monday, April 28, 2008

Posted by Grace in eating crackers in bed, graceisms.
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I’m used to not sleeping, really I am.

I have been awake for 81 hours (and 17 minutes, but who’s counting?)

A lot of people don’t believe you if and when you tell them that you don’t sleep. They think you choose to stay up, that you just don’t sleep a lot, but really, when I say that I’m not sleeping, I mean I really don’t get anything that really resembles quality sleep.

Sometimes it’s better than others, ha most of the time is better than right now, my body starts making decisions that I don’t get a choice in. No Grace, you’re getting some sleep right now, I know you’re scared and that it’s not going to last long at all, but I’m going to get mutinous if you don’t.

And I can’t stop myself from falling asleep, even though it’s gotten to such a scary point for me. Fearless told me that it’s beautiful when I actually do sleep.  That I curl up, snuggle in, against him in a way that makes him wonder how I can have that much of myself in contact with him.

Some time passes. 15 minutes, 5, almost immediately. And that’s when it all goes to hell.

It helps when he’s there, he talks me down, holds on to me and makes sure I know everything will be fine.

But now, no, my body is not making these decisions. There is no Sleep, Now signal. Or maybe it’s trying to, but I’ve actually sunk deeper into this sleep issue, and have scared it out of those instincts too.

He left me a bunny hug, one he had spent almost two days in. It was supposed to help. It’s big and warm and smells like him. When he gave it to me, he laughed and said Three things you enjoy about me.

It doesn’t smell like him anymore, it just smells like my bed. And though it’s big and warm, it’s not big and warm like him. You can’t curl up around a bunny hug. I’m pretty sure the point was more so having something comforting from him there when hell broke loose, but I haven’t had the chance yet to see how effective it is.

I just want this to stop.

Song of the Day: Asleep – The Smiths


Ten Days Friday, April 25, 2008

Posted by Grace in eating crackers in bed.
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Fearless is gone for ten days.

Ten days isn’t long, not long at all.

So many people are separated so much longer.

I am not saying that ten days is at all the same.

Still, I dropped him off 0540 this morning.

I dropped him off so his car wouldn’t be left there.

And there was that bit of sad silence.

Neither one of us wanting to say anything.

Hearing and acknowledging the words would make the ten days stretch, seem longer.

I yielded, parked amongst the bank of vehicles.

Unlatched the trunk, he let me carry the smallest of his bags.

He planned, and wanted, to carry them all; he knew I would feel better helping.

Remembering yesterday’s conversation, I had to ask You packed extra socks?

He laughed.

Already, the change in him was evident. His posture, the way he looked around, you could see he was in his work headspace.

We approached another bank of vehicles. Different this time, bigger, all the same shade of green.

We stopped. His fingers traced their way down my arm, he took the bag.

I’ll call if we’re on the grid. If not, I’ll call on the drive back.

A few more moments, and he was gone.

Ten days is not long. It is almost nothing. Still, whenever they leave, there is that indescribable finality of it all.

Finish Line Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Posted by Grace in strange days.
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I’m back! As of today, I have finished classes and exams for this semester.

Well, kind of…

All but one of my exams has been written. That exam was scheduled for the 15th, but by some kind of fluke, this University student can’t seem to read a simple chart properly.

Being as much of a keen student as I tend to be, I had checked the exam schedule somewhat obsessively. It was written down in my day planner, on the calendar in the kitchen, and on the back of my hand. Organic Chemistry – April 15th 1330.

I got to campus early, the plan being to meet some friends who’d be writing with me for the frantic last minute studying that always seems to precede difficult exams. I got to our regular meeting place, took a seat on a comfy couch, and cracked my books. It was odd though, time being 1100, that I was still alone.

I sent out a mass text message, asking if people were going to come up to the student lounge to study.

No replies.

I started to get that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something was up. Trying to put my mind off of it, I got out my laptop and went to the obsessively checked bookmark that was the exam schedule. I wanted to make sure I knew the seat numbers we would be sitting in at the hall.

1-95. And then I saw it, one column over: April 15, 0900. <Insert heart attack here>

My cell phone buzzed, my lab partner replied: Grace, we just wrote the exam. What are you talking about?

I booked it to the examination hall, the writing period already almost over. My prof looked surprised to see someone entering the room. We went out to the hallway, and I explained my critical mistake.

My hands were shaking, my breathing was fast. If I didn’t write this exam, I wouldn’t finish with the mark I needed to use it as a prerequisite. If I didn’t write this exam, my GPA would be effected. It was a great big circle of panicked thoughts running through my head.

The professor, very much the eccentric, frizzy haired chemist, said, It’s almost noon. People have already left the hall. I can’t let you write this exam.

<Insert second heart attack here>

I’ll just write you a note to go to the Faculty and get on the list for the deferral. You really need to be more careful about these things.

So now, by a fluke misreading of the chart, I have another whole month to study for this exam. In one light, this is great, the extra study time is much appreciated, but in another, this is going to be looming for another whole month, when it could be off my back already.

C’est la vie.

Three Months Sunday, April 6, 2008

Posted by Grace in strange days.
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Today is the three month anniversary here at Repeat the Sounding Joy!

So far, we’ve had a total of 1697 views, and 62 posts (not including this one).

So sorry for not posting anything lately, finals are impending and all of my time has been going to studying. I’ll be back to regular posting within the next week or so, but I’ll still be around checking in and maybe dropping a post or two.

Hope all is well in your corners of the world!