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When the Stars Go Blue Friday, January 25, 2008

Posted by Grace in until the wheels fall off.
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The phone rings, the tones unclear, warbling through sleep. There’s a feeling of rising through water as I reach out clumsily towards the light that shows as it rings.

Hello?

Angel! It’s really you?

At first I am confused, groggy. What is this person doing, phoning in such wee hours? Who is it? Is there some kind of emergency?

Angel?

I hadn’t been called that in such a long time. Suddenly, every cell of me was awake. I don’t even need to say anything, he knows.

I found you! Finally! It’s been a long time, I’m so sorry. I miss you so much. I don’t think we have very long, say something. Please.

The tears start to well up, I thought I’d never get to talk to you again.

What kind of person would that make me? I swore I would find a way to let you know everything was okay. The roses didn’t work out, they wouldn’t color right.

And I remembered those promises, whispered out as the sun was rising, through miles and miles of wiring, words strung together like patternless beads, messages whispered out on morphine.

I haven’t talked to you in forever, sweetheart. Fill me in on everything. Are the boys behaving themselves?

They behave, but nothing is right anymore. Everyone is spending so much time trying to be okay that we aren’t getting better. I don’t want to be okay with you not… Still, I have such a hard time saying it.

Static starts to become apparent on the line, like ripples on water, just disturbing the surface.

Everything is all right. You will be too. I love you so much.

I miss you. So much, but that goes unsaid. Static builds, waves grow, tugging the boat. I sit up, strain to hear, to keep my grasp. But its still you and me right?

Of course it is Angel, just like always. The white noise begins to overpower, break up the words; currents too strong not to feel. It’s you and me. You and me till –

And then he is gone. The voice is gone. I lose hold of the tenuous grasp I had to that which would keep me afloat. All the wishes and hopes that rendered so much not enough.

When I woke in the morning, I remembered, clear as day like it had just happened, like I always do with dreams. This one especially though, because it replays so often, feels so real, but still never fills that void.

Sometimes I wonder if why I can’t sleep is because of this. Why sometimes I’m scared to. But then, I sometimes also wonder if I do manage to sleep when I can because of the hope that I’ll get to hear that voice again.

I brushed out my hair and from the corner of the mirror, I saw our laughing faces and the haphazard snowman we built. Hours spent outside on a day too cold for the snow to stick properly; but still getting that lopsided, precariously balanced, man standing. We could do anything we set our minds to.

It’s you and me TM, just like always, you and me till the wheels fall off.

Song of the Day: When the Stars Go Blue – Ryan Adams

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