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If He Tries Anything Monday, January 14, 2008

Posted by Grace in blue doves, eating crackers in bed.
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I’m really beginning to question whether or not I am emitting some kind of code or have a sign stamped on my forehead that other people can see but I can’t.

I’m getting ahead of myself, I’ll explain…

First is in the army.

Fearless, as I’ve learned just recently, is also in the army.

Now on the basic level, this is not a bad thing. Actually, it’s a great thing. I have a huge amount of respect for people in the armed forces, am not the type to discount all they do for the country they serve, and I admit something about men in uniform makes me melt.

But the experience I had with First, with him leaving on deployment, us making the decision to stay together through that, and his subsequent decision that it hurt too much to do so, has left a mark. And the commonality through work, all of the things they go through, makes me wary of Fearless. I know that being enlisted shouldn’t change anything, and that I am over-thinking this way too much (seriously, way too much).

The friends of mine that Fearless also knows are rather up in arms. That group is rather close, they’re like brothers to me, lots and lots of brothers. They saw me hurt last time, see the similarity now, and by the looks of it aren’t about to let it happen again.

I wasn’t so concerned initially when I found out, I just thought it was a strange coincidence. But now the boys are all giving me that look that says, “Are you sure that you’re looking to get into this stuff all over again?”

And they’re right. I hate to sound so weak, but First broke me into all kinds of little pieces. Rather logically, I believe, I’d like to avoid that happening again. That similarity between them is unnerving because the possibilities are so much the same. Just as the fates would have it, who do I meet and kind of get involved with? That’s why I’m wondering about this code that I’m emitting.

It wouldn’t be fair at all to say no to Fearless just because of what happened. It would be wrong to write anyone off just because they happen to have a particular career, and just because he and First have that in common doesn’t mean that the same things would happen. It doesn’t, I know.

Fearless is great. He makes me laugh and he seems to be everything I’ve dreamed of. He’s even the one saying that he doesn’t want to push the matter of us being an ‘us’ before I’m sure I am comfortable, which is something not a lot of people I’ve encountered are willing to do.

Still, it feels like I’ve got some kind of message or code beaming out that is advertising for men in uniform, though the glue’s still drying in the cracks left by the last one. So I worry, I over think, I question, and the whole time I’m also scared that I will spend too much time doing this and harm something that could be really good.

Song of the Day: If He Tries Anything – Ani Difranco

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